Sleight of hand, sharpness of wits. Blood stained, sweaty browed, stiff necked, he stands. Yet he stands upright. Stance firm, piloting up to four instruments at a time.
The surgeon, almost arrogantly confident, always a little too loud, always sure of himself. So much so, that you can’t help but wonder whether it is in fact blind certainty, or a facade to mask any lingering doubts. His decision is absolute.
Hands plunged deep inside an cavity, searching, rearranging. The vibrations of the operating table jolt me back to my senses. A reminder that that’s in fact a human being, under the drapery and bloodstains. A realisation, that what he’s doing is no less than assisting the work of God himself.
“As a surgeon you have to have a controlled arrogance. If it’s uncontrolled, you kill people, but you have to be pretty arrogant to saw through a person’s chest, take out their heart and believe you can fix it. Then, when you succeed and the patient survives, you pray, because it’s only by the grace of God that you get there.”
I take things too seriously, even when I shouldn’t. Initially, at least. It’s a flaw, I know. I look for depth in everything, though it may not necessarily be there. Frustratingly this most likely classes me as a “touchy” person, among my acquaintances.
It’s not the receiving part, but my reciprocation that concerns me. “Dil pe na lou” or ” Don’t take it to heart” are phrases I hear all too often. Though I may be able to control my words, my composure (or lack, thereof) and facial expression tend to betray me.
To borrow a few words;
“It is a terrible thing to be so open; it is as if my heart put on a face and walked into the world. “
And honestly, that’s what it feels like. It adds an element of vulnerability to one’s character. A brief bout of irrational anger can lead to a lifetime of regret. A pang of embarrassment could mean defeat in front of a tormenting foe. Momentary pain is given away as weakness. I lack a poker face.
It has one silver lining too, I suppose. I am forever compelled to tell the truth, which I find to be a great release. I can’t help that I feel, or maybe that I feel too much, but I’ve no hesitation in expressing it. I doubt this is something that’ll change.