Thoughts.

I’ve been thinking about this all day, from the moment I woke up. Internal reflection, as well as these endless hours of thinking have proved useless, as I am, for once, left without words to describe how I feel. I can’t seem to find words that fit, quotes that fit. Yet I feel the occasion should be marked.

Today marks the second anniversary since I last set foot on Irish soil, since I left the land of my birth and most of my childhood. Having spent most of my teenage summers in Pakistan beforehand, the packing and travelling seemed routine. But 2011 was different. Altogether more permanent. Dread, disdain, excitement and sadness manifested me that summer.

I only remember fragments of that day. The last glimpse we had of our house, as we drove away. Watching the clouds, the farms and the cows go by. The airport. I was numb most of that day. We boarded, buckled up and soon it was time for take off. My head was turned towards the window.  It wasn’t until the plane was at a 45 degree angle to the ground that it struck me. The plotted land, in it’s different squares of different shades of green was ever-receding, but I kept my eyes glued to the window as if to drink every last drop of the sight, as much as I could, for as long as I could. I was leaving. I was leaving, almost permanently and it wouldn’t be quite the same if I ever came back.  The tears were uncontrollable.

I don’t know how I feel, anymore, because maybe I feel too much.

That was a chapter of my life that has now closed, so surreal, it seemed like it was just a dream. Things have changed since. I have changed. I’m no longer that same person. But this was inevitable. Life goes on; only thing it knows to do, as do we with it.

Rinne sí dearmad orm, ach tá Éire fós i mo chroí, cé go bhfuil mé fada uaidh.