Thoughts.

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I’ve been thinking about this all day, from the moment I woke up. Internal reflection, as well as these endless hours of thinking have proved useless, as I am, for once, left without words to describe how I feel. I can’t seem to find words that fit, quotes that fit. Yet I feel the occasion should be marked.

Today marks the second anniversary since I last set foot on Irish soil, since I left the land of my birth and most of my childhood. Having spent most of my teenage summers in Pakistan beforehand, the packing and travelling seemed routine. But 2011 was different. Altogether more permanent. Dread, disdain, excitement and sadness manifested me that summer.

I only remember fragments of that day. The last glimpse we had of our house, as we drove away. Watching the clouds, the farms and the cows go by. The airport. I was numb most of that day. We boarded, buckled up and soon it was time for take off. My head was turned towards the window.  It wasn’t until the plane was at a 45 degree angle to the ground that it struck me. The plotted land, in it’s different squares of different shades of green was ever-receding, but I kept my eyes glued to the window as if to drink every last drop of the sight, as much as I could, for as long as I could. I was leaving. I was leaving, almost permanently and it wouldn’t be quite the same if I ever came back.  The tears were uncontrollable.

I don’t know how I feel, anymore, because maybe I feel too much.

That was a chapter of my life that has now closed, so surreal, it seemed like it was just a dream. Things have changed since. I have changed. I’m no longer that same person. But this was inevitable. Life goes on; only thing it knows to do, as do we with it.

Rinne sí dearmad orm, ach tá Éire fós i mo chroí, cé go bhfuil mé fada uaidh.

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Author: emphadiate

Med student, chai lover, avid reader. Daydreamer extraordinaire. Slightly imbalanced.

24 thoughts on “Thoughts.”

  1. I would love to find out the make and the model of this passenger aircraft that climbs at an angle of 45 degrees. 😛

    Even though I suck at remembering the exact dates, I can somewhat imagine how you feel. And it’s true, even if you do move back, you realize things aren’t the same any longer. It’s like you just came back home after burying one of your grandparents. You realize it’s not the place you missed so much, it were the people.

  2. This is so touchy. You know, every person we meet, every place we go and live always leave an impact over our mind, life and in fact soul. Then in some hours of loneliness and moments of nostalgia we trace back tot he time and recall all the beauty of past. We feel down, upset, sad for days and months but yet again, people get over things and life keeps a way of adding day to day.
    This is a short but so beautifully explained post. True, genuine and honest emotions in simple words.
    I can relate, I can feel the sentiments you had while typing each word; *HUG*.

  3. you are quiet a sensitive girl like me….I have judged this through your posts ! You write lovely . Love all your writings ! And yes at last memories are left with us…we can’t live back there. we have to move forward ! Keep writing like this….xx

  4. I know how it feels like to leave a place, so your words hit home. You are a spectacular writer! I would have guessed writing was your first career choice had I not known what it actually was beforehand.

    That’s a beautiful picture!

    Sending you lots of love.

  5. I think all of us relate to that feeling on some level. All of us have had to do it at some point of their lives or the other. Its never easy, and its never going to be.
    Find some consolation in the fact, that maybe after a few years you’d be going back to that place, or by then your current place must have become your home. Humans are the most adaptive beings.
    Anyhoo, excellently written. As always!

  6. very beatifully written …….u definitely know the art to express ur feelings……i am soooooooo proud to have u as a frnd….bbiiiiggggg hug..

  7. do you have the sexy Irish accent? 😀 my classfellow lived in Ireland too before joining an undergraduate program and his Irish accent is so awesome

  8. Like you, I have a slightly mucked up accent 😉

    But you’re missed, everyday. Even by me who doesn’t live at home anymore. It’s not so much the scenery you remember, but the people and they remember you, not the scenery x

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