I’m having one of those days. But the thing is, I’ve been having these days for a while now.
Life is a constant ebb and flow, I know. But this ebb seems to be lasting longer than usual. Or the ebb and flow are alternating more irregular than usual. I’m not even sure myself. (This metaphor sucks.) Whatever negativity there is seems to be building up and not finding an adequate release. Multiple possible causes present themselves; study-related stress, not eating properly, lethargy caused by the weather etc.
I’m not an irrational person, but today I snapped. I felt properly angry for the first time in a long while. Throwing-stuff-at-walls-and-yelling-swearwords kind of angry. And then I felt like crying. Sobbing-till-I’ve-emptied-out-my-insides kind of crying. I did those things.
I’m tired of these days.
Where everyday life begins to tire and disinterest you.
Where you can’t hold a conversation for long, because you just don’t feel like it.
Where if you do perchance have a conversation you end up annoying the other person, or more likely, yourself annoyed.
Where the slightest things irk you.
Whete nothing feels worth looking forward to.
Where instead of just ignoring the things you don’t like, you find yourself gritting your teeth and clenching your fists.
Where the prospect of not knowing the future is a bit more daunting than usual. Where snatches of good mood in the day become scarcer.
Where your heart feels heavy for no apparent reason.
Where anything that goes wrong feels like your fault.
Where old regrets seem to rush in and manifest you.
Where you just want to lie down and stare at the fan endlessly, not thinking about anything. In silence.
I know I sound insufferably whiny, and extremely ungrateful for what I do have. A mind like this is a breeding ground for further depression.
But.
This is my attempt at encapsulating all those negative feelings; put them out in front of me so I can leave them behind. And hope for a better tomorrow. I know what I could/should/would do to make it better. I’m working on it.
I’m just having one of those days. I’ll be fine.
emphadiate 
I’m having one of those days too Hadia and writing it down will help you In’sha’Allah 🙂
And the post, excellent as always, experienced every word. Keep writing.
You really know how to give words to such overlooked feelings that one generally cant put their finger on. Such immaculately and beautifully written. All the troubkes and nuisances wrapped up in this well taut post. You truly have an amazing gift Hadia! Use it well. Kudos!
You’re always a pleasure to read, but I’m not too pleased with the current situation. For what it’s worth, and it probably isn’t much, but, everyone I know went through a more or less intense version of the aforementioned frenzy. Including myself. Not having left the hostel in a while and the hot weather seem to cause or amplify these emotions. Such was the popular opinion of these situatuins among my fellow, hostel inhabitants. I never really cared as to what the cause is. I just wanted things to be over. I haven’t experienced this sort of depression since the commencement of 3rd year classes.
I did find comfort in early morning exercises. All that oxygen to your brain, first thing in the morning, really keeps you sharp and positive for the rest of the day. Definitely takes care of the lethargy problem. Catch a sunrise for the icing on the cake! Feel better, Hadia. You’re a trooper!
AND THE SKETCH WAS AWESOME! Ramona Quimby meets Medical School 😀
I get u. Going thru a lot these days somethng along those lines.a lil difficult fr me to read bcz it makes me see the mirror…see what im doing.somethng ive been avoiding to look at. I hope u get over ths soon.as usual i love the simplicity with which u convey ur point.the words flow into one another and an entire image is made.good job
And I thought I am the only one feeling like that. I feel you Hadia. You gave me company through your blog 🙂
Hmmmm… Its easy to dismiss all that as adolescent angst, chemical/biological changes, and most conveniently your own reluctantce to change yourself(you will get that the most). But both of us know there is some underlying reason causing this unease.NOBODY wants to be miserable willingly. The ebb and flow you mentioned is a part of life, its just that for some people, sensitive people, the chnages are more pronounced. Lets just say with greater sensitivity comes greater pain :). like others i can make a thousand cliched recommendations, but I know better. And NO you are not whiny , you are not guilty. You are brave for expressing yourself and a rare talent for doing it so articulately. God bless.
Ironically, our realities are similar, the words may differ. Just see, above all the commentators once or more stated, “I’m in the same state, Hadia”. We all are similar. We think we hide a lot and variate much but no, we are too transparent. =)
But yes, I agree to what Hassan said in the beginning. It is nonetheless an amazing post. So much emotions wrapped into it. A lot of feel. But then, I’m not pleased with this state. Yes, you did take a very good step. Writing and venting out via words help, A LOT. And sometimes, such feelings overwhelm us. We can not locate the reason though. Or sometimes we get sad for no reason. And we can not tell others and make them understand. We like to keep them secret. Or we just don’t know why we’re in such a situation. But you know, in such a state when we are down for nothing, GOD is up above for something better. =)
It isn’t related to studies or the burden of field which we’ve opted for, but it is natural. Such stages ought to come in life, for no reason or for many unknown ones.
I hope you feel better and get along the routine and flow smoothly, again. ❤
And yeah, not to forget, "I'm in the same state these days, Hadia. We're in the same boat."
Your words resonate what I have been feeling past few weeks. Loved the last line.
A few days back, I wrote a very naive post about the same kind of feeling, just not in such awesome words. I feel the same nowadays. With nothing to look forward to really.
My days won’t go away.
Loved, loved it.
These days, believe me, Hadia come and go. And sometimes, they give you this unnerving feeling that they’re perpetual…here forever.
But they pass.
And in these days, when the time gets a little longer, when more days elapse like that, I don;t want to let go off them. I just want the panicky state to stay…
Well, they pass, And your’s will, too.
*gives dher sari fav food ki plates* 😀 cheer up lady.