I take things too seriously, even when I shouldn’t. Initially, at least. It’s a flaw, I know. I look for depth in everything, though it may not necessarily be there. Frustratingly this most likely classes me as a “touchy” person, among my acquaintances.
It’s not the receiving part, but my reciprocation that concerns me. “Dil pe na lou” or ” Don’t take it to heart” are phrases I hear all too often. Though I may be able to control my words, my composure (or lack, thereof) and facial expression tend to betray me.
To borrow a few words;
“It is a terrible thing to be so open; it is as if my heart put on a face and walked into the world. “
And honestly, that’s what it feels like. It adds an element of vulnerability to one’s character. A brief bout of irrational anger can lead to a lifetime of regret. A pang of embarrassment could mean defeat in front of a tormenting foe. Momentary pain is given away as weakness. I lack a poker face.
It has one silver lining too, I suppose. I am forever compelled to tell the truth, which I find to be a great release. I can’t help that I feel, or maybe that I feel too much, but I’ve no hesitation in expressing it. I doubt this is something that’ll change.
I’m having one of those days. But the thing is, I’ve been having these days for a while now.
Life is a constant ebb and flow, I know. But this ebb seems to be lasting longer than usual. Or the ebb and flow are alternating more irregular than usual. I’m not even sure myself. (This metaphor sucks.) Whatever negativity there is seems to be building up and not finding an adequate release. Multiple possible causes present themselves; study-related stress, not eating properly, lethargy caused by the weather etc.
I’m not an irrational person, but today I snapped. I felt properly angry for the first time in a long while. Throwing-stuff-at-walls-and-yelling-swearwords kind of angry. And then I felt like crying. Sobbing-till-I’ve-emptied-out-my-insides kind of crying. I did those things.
I’m tired of these days.
Where everyday life begins to tire and disinterest you.
Where you can’t hold a conversation for long, because you just don’t feel like it.
Where if you do perchance have a conversation you end up annoying the other person, or more likely, yourself annoyed.
Where the slightest things irk you.
Whete nothing feels worth looking forward to.
Where instead of just ignoring the things you don’t like, you find yourself gritting your teeth and clenching your fists.
Where the prospect of not knowing the future is a bit more daunting than usual. Where snatches of good mood in the day become scarcer.
Where your heart feels heavy for no apparent reason.
Where anything that goes wrong feels like your fault.
Where old regrets seem to rush in and manifest you.
Where you just want to lie down and stare at the fan endlessly, not thinking about anything. In silence.
I know I sound insufferably whiny, and extremely ungrateful for what I do have. A mind like this is a breeding ground for further depression.
This is my attempt at encapsulating all those negative feelings; put them out in front of me so I can leave them behind. And hope for a better tomorrow. I know what I could/should/would do to make it better. I’m working on it.
I’m just having one of those days. I’ll be fine.